One of my most enjoyable roles is helping men create success with women. Over the years I've boiled this down to a set of principles. I've crafted my skills in applying those principles to different men and their circumstances.
Why do I love this work so much? You only live once and sex, romance, and love is one of life's great joys. However sexual failure can damage your enjoyment of this life. And it can profoundly damage your self-esteem. In time you may remain unhappily single, or settle for bad relationships. Worst of all you never become the man you could have been - strong, confident, happy. Instead you might become weak, depressed, scared, or lonely. But sexual success can have precisely the opposite effect. It can make you happier, stronger, more confident and successful. And such success can be created, and most guys are capable of achieving this.
The two fundamental gates to sexual success involve knowledge and skill on the one hand, and personal growth on the other. So you can shape how attractive you are:
This is it, at the macro level.
But wait, there's more!
The great thing about those qualities which attract women, is they're the same ones that make you strong and happy as a man.
By becoming the man women want, you become the man you most want to be.
That's why I love this work. It goes deep. There's nothing better for a person, or somebody who's barracking for them, than for them to transform as a person, for the better. To become their better possibilities. And while sex and love are great, becoming different internally, and in how you are out in the world, is even better. Become your own source of happiness and strength. Out of that abundance you can love a woman - rather than needing a woman. And out of that abundance you'll become deeply attractive to women. After all we all want to be around people who have found the answer; who have become their own point of origin and source of happiness.
I've realised through helping men gain success with women, the that hey is to become more strong, confident, and joyful, within yourself.
There's also a knowledge aspect to this work. I was hopeless with women in my 20s: ashamed, afraid, virginal. I radically transformed myself in my 30s and had many adventures. That was the transformational work I spoke of, but it was also about knowledge. In my case there was a constant reflection on that science: evolutionary psychology and research on attraction, influence, charisma and so on. This guided what I did, and I tested it against my experience to build practical know-how in the real world. In my case, despite a serious interest in science and philosophy, I was not scared to go low-brow either. And I'm not just talking about self-help books. I became very familiar with the seduction and pick-up literature, and ethically integrated that into my approach because, well, it works! (The knowledge that the best of that literature provides is morally neutral, just practical, psychological truths based on experience; ethically, what matters is how you use it.)
Within these broad principles of personal growth, and knowledge and skills with women, there are a set of steps which it is important to consider. These differ from person to person, but here are some common ones. For one thing you need to move past your obstacles. I'm talking about old insecurities and so on. This is the sort of stuff people take to counselling. Sometimes you dissolve those old problems, and sometimes you simply overcome them through the next step. Which is to build your positive strengths and qualities, to become bigger and better within yourself. This is the more important work: not wallowing in how unloved you were as a child, but understanding those things, and sure, doing some grief and acceptance work, but all for the sake of moving forward with making your life as good as it can be. This positive work you do on yourself can be about certain core emotions you need to build, say confidence, courage, playfulness. For some people there may be a wider task of life renovation, such as getting your finances and health together, or even becoming a more engaging and interesting person (maybe you spend the next year reading the classics).
Divorce or separation can be a hard time, full of emotional pain, turmoil, and practical stress. Some guys feel that life will be shit from now on, that they are failures, that they will be lonely, that they will suck at dating, or - if they marry again - that it will be with the wrong person.
Of course this can be a great time too. Once the smoke has settled some men experience this as the best time of their life. There's new passions, new freedoms, plus sexual possibilities and adventure. There's also the chance to radically change your life and who you are. You get to build something new, making choices about who you want to be, where you want to be, and who you want to be with.
Well, that's the ideal path. But it can become like a new year's resolution: full of good intentions, vague plans, and no follow-through. Instead of the wonderful new life that lies within your reach, you slowly fall back into your crappy old patterns and situations.
Don't do that!
I work with men, serving as a springboard in their life. I support you through the emotional challenges you face, but guide you to make fantastic use of this time. We'll assess what you really want in life, and get to work making it happen.
In essence, you don't have to be alone. You can get through this hardship well and rise.
And this doesn't have to be a waste. In fact it can become your greatest time of, not only adventure, but growth and change. You can become who you really want to be.
Don't waste this time. Use its energy as fuel to become that man you long to be, creating that life you really want.
The Stoic philosophers of ancient Greece and Rome lived in a harsh world. There's no denying that. Among its two best proponents, one was an emperor of Rome during its downfall, fighting barbarians on the borders, and betrayal in his personal life. The other was a slave and cripple. Stoicism has been continuously popular for 2,500 years for good reason: it makes people stronger, more good, more wise, more noble, and more calm, in good times and bad. It's especially suited to a masculine temperament. Therefore I recommend it to you. I've been reading Stoicism my whole adult life, including at the time that something terrible happened. Today I get personal. This is the story of how the slave, cripple, and stoic philosopher Epictetus helped me get through one of the hardest times in my life. I share this because my clients, like most people, go through very hard times too. We're all in this together. And there's a lot of wisdom out there, much of it ancient, that helps.
What if psychology stopped focusing on what goes wrong in life, and researched what goes right? What if it put happiness, flourishing, resilience, and character to the test of science? And what if the outcomes were applied through counselling and coaching? Well in the late 1990s some leading psychologists asked such questions, and positive psychology was born.